JB Say What?

Apropos of my blog earlier today, I ran across this shoppe in Edinburgh this evening. I wish we had this kind of service in our country. Would make my life much easier.

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So it has been another long dry spell for JBSayWhat.com. As empty as your collective lives must be without your dose of everything me, imagine how I must feel having the weight of all those expectations dashed at my feet, like so many shards of broken mirror images of what can only be likened to running into an iceberg of longing near the corner of desire. I could claim that my lack of communication was the result of my being away for intensive metaphor training, but I suspect the previous sentence would call into question either the existence of such training, or, more likely, my attendance.

Why can’t I just come out and say what the real reason for my hiatus has been? The fact is that the reason is just too painful for me to say out loud. So forgive me as I gird what passes for my loins to say: “It is Obama’s fault.”

I thought I would feel better having gotten that off my chest, but I am still in agony. As has been clear from almost my first blog entry, there aren’t many people who are bigger fanboys of the current president. While I wasn’t the first person on his bandwagon, I was earlier than many of my friends and colleagues. He ran a damn near flawless campaign, and, for the most part, I have been pleased with his presidency. But I wouldn’t be honest with myself, and more importantly, my readers, if I didn’t come clean when he messes up my life.

I have written before Obama’s clear affection for science. He admires reason and thoughtfulness, and is clearly someone who using the scientific method in his decision processes. More to the point, he has immediately started supporting science in a big way. How big? How about 10 Billion (with a B) dollars for NIH to spend over the next 2 years as part of the American Recovery & Reinvestment Act (ARRA).

And there lies the rub. Because of this stimulus to the NIH, pre-existing grant programs have been bolstered significantly, and new programs are springing up all over the place. What this means for someone who, like your faithful correspondent, is dependent on NIH grants to fund his research is that, to quote our ancestors, “there’s gold in them thar hills.” In practice, that means that I would be completely remiss in my fiduciary responsibilities to the lab if I didn’t apply to every possible grant mechanism that I can.

And I have. I have submitted a grant for a shared instrument (fancy microscope), where I had to coordinate information from 10 of my colleagues, and then write a reasonable rationale as to how it will benefit all our research. When that was done, I was alerted to the ARRA Administrative Supplements, where individuals who have been awarded grants (like myself) can write a small proposal for up to $100K/year for 2 years in order speed along the ongoing research. The idea is to use this money to hire more people and/or buy new equipment that will help the investigator better fulfill the aims of his/her current grant, and stimulate the economy as well. These supplements are not reviewed as a normal grant would be—by a panel of peers—but are being handled at the administrative level at NIH.

The bottom line is that a grant awardee would be foolish not to apply for one of these supplements. It is a relatively small amount of work for a potentially nice reward. The bad news is that basically means that everyone who has a grant is going to apply for one of these, and as a result the chances of getting one are about as poor as getting a normal competitive grant. But the odds have never stopped me before, and I forged ahead and submitted my supplement on Friday.

Does the grant writing end there? Not bloody likely. I’ve already identified another new program that is right up our alley, and so that will be on the agenda for the July deadline. This is on top of a competitive renewal of another grant that I’ll be targeting for the October submission date.

And that’s not all. While all the grant writing was going on, one of our bigger proposals was being reviewed for the last time (up until recently, you got three chances at getting a grant). The good news is that it was reviewed quite favorably, and we are reasonably sure that it will get funded. What this meant was that I had to immediately begin the hiring process. You might imagine that in this economy that there might be more than few soon-to-be-college graduates that would be interested in the 4 positions we are advertising. You’d be right.

So in sum, because of Obama, I have had to write 2 grants and hire 4 people in the past 3 weeks. That guy is killing by blog cred. I am sure that I can learn to forgive him at some point. But as I sit here composing this somewhere over the Atlantic, I am reminded that one should be careful what you wish for.

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I am normally not one to complain. Ok, that’s a lie. But I generally keep my complaints to myself. I lied again. Let’s start over. I’m not normally someone who shares stories of horrible customer service with the world at large. I would rather just keep things between the complaintee (me) and the complainter (company, service provider, evil clown, etc.). I have been engaged, however, in a saga that is just so mindbogglingly bad, that I thought it was worth sharing. And if it serves as a warning to readers to avoid the company in question like the plague, then so much the better.

For Valentine’s Day this year, I decided to get my darling wife what every woman who walks 1.5 miles to work each day so desperately yearns for: A new pair of earbuds for her iPod. Yes, I know that it must be touching for you to see that after 28 years of marriage, the flame of romance burns undiminished. In any event, I searched the interweb looking at reviews and the like, and decided on getting Z.buds from ZAGG Inc (and no, I didn’t forget to link to them). The reviews were generally positive, and they were touted as providing good sound for the price. Moreover, they came with cords in either red or black, and so by choosing red for my wife, I can maintain the illusion that this is indeed an appropriate gift for Valentine’s Day. The ZAGG people were offering some kind of special, and so I ordered a pair of black ones for myself.

We took delivery of these earbuds about a week or so later. The red ones seems to work fine. The black pair, on the other hand, had a manufacturing defect, and so on February 27, I wrote to the company the following email.

The black Z.bud’s plastic cover of the plug is not affixed properly. Removing the plug from the iPhone by grabbing onto the plastic cover lifts off the cover, leaving the plug still attached to the iPhone. The only way to remove the plug is to pull by the cord. This happened right out of the box. I would either like a replacement or a refund. Thanks.

On March 2, I got the following email back.

Thank you for contacting ZAGG, where we are Zealous About Great Gadgets! My name is Jenn and I appreciate the opportunity to assist you.

I’m sorry to hear that your Z.buds are not coming out of your iPhone properly and the covering comes off. This is not how we wanted you to experience our award winning Z.buds and we would like to help you get a replacement pair.

Before we can send you a trade-in for your Z.buds (Black) you will need to return it to the following address:

ZAGG Inc.
Trade-In: IC786297
3855 S. 500 W. Suite B
Salt Lake City, UT 84115
USA

Please send your Z.buds (Black) to us in a padded envelope or box. We recommend sending it via a traceable method as we are not liable for anything lost in the mail.

After receiving your Z.buds (Black), we will run a diagnostic to determine the reason for the malfunction and either repair or replace it.

Thank you for choosing ZAGG. We appreciate your business!

All the best,
Jennifer S.

I didn’t like the idea that I had to pay for shipping the thing back, and so I wrote back on March 4:

Am I to understand that I am required to return the Z buds on my own dime? This does not seem quite right to me. The product was defective out of the box (the second pair that ordered were fine). It seems to me that a company that prides itself on customer service would at the very least provide reimbursement for returning a faulty product.

Please advise as to how best to proceed.

Best,

Glenn

To which I got the following reply on March 6:

Hello Glenn,

Thank you for contacting ZAGG, where we are Zealous About Great Gadgets! My name is Alicia and I appreciate the opportunity to assist you.

I am sorry that you are having a problem with your Z.buds (Black). If you would like a replacement for the Z.buds (Black) that you purchased, order # IC786297, we would be happy to provide you with one. Before we can send you a replacement you will need to return the defective Z.buds (Black). These need to be postmarked within 45 days of your original purchase date of February 13, 2009.

We recommend you send your return back to us via a traceable method as we are not liable for anything lost in the mail. We will reimburse up to $5.00 for the shipping back to us.

Please send your Z.buds (Black) to the following address in a padded envelope or box with all of the accessories:

ZAGG Inc.
Replacement: Order# IC786297
3855 S. 500 W. Suite B
Salt Lake City, UT 84115

Along with your return, please include your order number.

Once it arrives back to our office, and we are able to determine that the Z.buds (Black) are defective, we will be happy to send a replacement to you at that time.

Thank you for choosing ZAGG. We appreciate your business!

All the best,
Alicia C

I will confess that I initially missed the one change in this boilerplate message offering to reimburse me up to $5.00. Once I got that straightened out, I sent the buds back soon thereafter, They received them on March 12, when they let me know with the following email.

Thank you for your replacement request. Your replacement order has been processed and should ship from our facility withing 2-5 business days. Once your order has left our facility you will receive a shipping confirmation email.

As a reminder, after receiving your replacement, please send your original invisibleSHIELD back to us with your order or registration number. Please note that we only require the original invisibleSHIELD be returned in a regular mailing envelope to keep your lifetime warranty valid. We do not require any of the packaging to be returned.
Our mailing address is:

ZAGG Inc.
3855 S. 500 W. Suite B
Salt Lake City, UT 84115
USA

Thank you for choosing to continue using the invisibleSHIELD as a protection for your device! Please feel free to contact us for any further assistance.

Thank you for choosing the invisibleSHIELD by ZAGG, Inc. We appreciate your business!

All the best,
The ZAGG Team

Which is odd, because I didn’t send back an invisibleSHIELD. But no matter, I just assumed (correctly, as it turned out) that they just hit the wrong auto-generated message script. 10 days later, I got a message indicating that the replacement had shipped and that I was going to be reimbursed. Huzzah.

I got the replacement earlier this week, unpacked it, and immediately tested to see if the plastic covering over the plug had be repaired. Not only hadn’t it been repaired, but it was actually looser than it was when I sent it back.

I sent the following email this morning.

I received the replacement for the Z.buds that I had returned. Sad to say, this pair had the exact same defect as the previous one, namely the plastic casing over the plug is not affixed properly. This suggests to me either 1) I was sent the same earphones back without repairing them, or 2) you have a severe quality control problem, or 3) I’m just “lucky”.

In any event, dealing with your “customer service” has been a less than wonderful experience. I will 1) fix these earphones myself , 2) will never buy another product from this company again, and 3) be happy to share my experiences with anyone who asks.

Hence, this blog.

And for what it’s worth, the sound quality is “meh.”

[Update: The red earbuds that I gave my wife crapped out 2 weeks ago]

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I have been absent from this blog for quite a while, and although I normally eschew excuses, I will say that at least this time I’ve got a decent one. On March 5, NIH announced that they were placing $300M of recovery act money into an ongoing program supporting the acquisition of “small” shared instruments. You may be surprised to learn that $100K-$500K qualifies as small—$600K–$8M is “large” and is part of a separate program. (Am I the only one who wonders what happens when a piece of equipment costs $550K)?

In any event, a number of my colleagues and I have been talking about acquiring an advanced microscope system for doing cell counts, brain mapping, and high-resolution imaging. So we figured it might be a good idea to use this opportunity to apply for these funds. That was on March 6, with the grant due on March 23. Not too onerous a deadline, unless one figures in that the proposal needed to be submitted to Research Administration in my institution one week before the NIH deadline.

Suffice it to say, I was able to put together a proposal in the time allotted, just in time for me to hop on the Limoliner to New York. As I sit here in my comfy leather chair taking advantage of the free Wi-Fi, I am enjoying the downtime to think about things other than proposals and driving my chairman crazy.

Tops on my list are the positive changes in the atmosphere for science that has occurred in the past couple of weeks, First, the dramatic short term change in funding for NIH. Obviously, I wouldn’t have written this proposal without the extra funding, and successful applicants will certainly help to keep equipment vendors afloat. Interestingly, this program has, if anything, somewhat of a negative impact on the finances of the scientists themselves because this type of grant (unlike most) doesn’t pay any overhead costs to the institution. Moreover, this institution is expected to kick in some money to help manage the machine. So even though we’d be really happy to be fortunate enough to acquire this piece of equipment, the institution’s attitude can best be summed up as “meh.”

To be sure, there is a good deal of stimulus money going toward investigator-initiated research, and many are working toward tailoring their proposals to fit the needs of the different institutes at NIH. Those of us with grants currently under review are hopeful that extra money in the coffers of NIH will increase the number of proposals that are funded.

Another good thing, of course, is the administration removing the restrictions on stem cell research. There are enormous potential benefits of this type of research, and I know that scientists are ecstatic that they will no longer have to set up walls between their NIH-funded and private foundation stem cell work.

There are two good takes on this. The first is a piece by Frank Rich in the New York Times. The second can be seen below.

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I first started growing a beard during my sophomore year of college. I have shaved the beard 4 times, and in each instance the beard was on its way back within a week or two. Whenever the beard comes off, it is safe to say that most people who know me know me are taken aback. I am going to assume for the moment that this is not because my clean-shaven face is particularly hideous (although my wife did once imply that that was the case), but rather that they had developed a picture in their mind’s eye of what I looked like, and removing the beard completely messed with this image.

It was therefore interesting that during one of these brief nonhirsute times about 6 years after beard onset, I happened to visit my mother. I had been greeting friends during this time and had gotten used to hearing “What the hell happened to your face?”, and “Why would you do such a thing?” and “Who swallowed your chin?” I walked in the door and my mother simply greeted me in her usual manner—showering me with praise and 100 dollar bills—without mentioning what I thought was the obvious change in my face. Only after I asked her whether she noticed anything different about me whilst rubbing my bare chin did she recognize that the beard was gone.

What was clear was that my mother had a picture in her mind’s eye of me without a beard. After all, she had gotten used to seeing my unobscured face for the first 19 years of my life, and apparently the relatively recent addition of facial hair didn’t change how she pictured her number one (and favorite) son.

But I digress.

As those of you who follow my Twitter feed or my Friendfeed page have no doubt learned, the earpieces on my eyeglasses broke last week. As it turns out, I have had this pair of glasses for so long that I no longer had a backup pair lying around. Worse yet, my prescription was over 5 years old, which meant that no one would build me a replacement pair without a new eye exam. To make a long story short(er), I was able to take advantage of cancellations during the snow storm on Monday to get an exam, and I picked out my new frames later that day. Unfortunately, because of the antireflective coating on the lenses, which takes 3 days to dry, I won’t get them until Friday afternoon or Saturday.

This meant that I had to effect a repair of the glasses. The difficulty with this is that once I take off my glasses to repair them, I can no longer see well enough to repair them. Not that that stopped me from trying. I’m not sure if you know this, but crazy glue doesn’t work to affix titanium to plastic (although it does a very nice job of ruining the plastic lenses). Luckily, my wife was able to use clear duct tape to attach the earpiece to the lens. Some of you may have seen the result on twitpic. Here’s a full frontal self-portrait taken with the iPhone:

Attractive, n’est-ce pas?

I have been going out in public like this since Saturday. Most of the people close to me have noticed the change and have remarked on it. A couple of snarky comments suggesting that I avoid walking by empty lockers were expected. What was slightly disconcerting was the reaction of people I know less well, for example the colleagues in my building with whom I share elevator rides and small talk in the halls. Not one of them mentioned the eyeglass changes.

There are three possibilities to explain this:

1. It could be that they didn’t notice.
2. It could be that they noticed but were being polite and chose not to say anything that might embarass me.
3. It could be that they perceived the change, but didn’t notice.

Number 1 isn’t likely (did you see the picture?). Only those of you who know these people will appreciate how unlikely Number 2 is. I have therefore come to the disturbing conclusion that in their mind’s eye, they didn’t notice any difference. Apparently, I have a countenance so nerdy that the addition of tape to the corner of my eyeglasses was unremarkable.

Had I known, I could have saved a bundle on new eyeglasses.

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People claim that there are two schools of thought when it comes to the delivery of painful stimuli, which is most often illustrated by the removal of bandage from a wound. One group contends that it is best to rip it off quickly, which causes a greater amount of distress but is spread out over a short period of time. The opposing idea is that one should carefully peel the bandage away from the skin, thereby reducing the pain but increasing the time.

I originally said that “people claim,” because I really don’t know anyone who prefers the latter. Personally, I know that the quick rip is always better than the alternative, but I believe that this is probably related to excessive amounts of body hair, so much so (and I don’t mean to brag here) that I am considered to be the equivalent of Mel Gibson among certain species of apes.

But I digress.

I have been watching presidential addresses to joint sessions of Congress since the mid 60s, and the constant interruptions with standing ovations have always been annoying. They are most often done by rote—the president delivers a controversial line like “…and that’s why the United States is the best country in the world,” and the Speaker of the House and Vice President jump up out of their seats as if propelled by grenades. After a while, you get used to it and recognize that it is part of the kabuki dance that is American politics.

That said, I lost all patience for this show during the last administration. I suspect that some of it was that I rarely agreed with anything that guy said. But I came to realize that it was more than that. I wanted to end the ovationeering so that I wouldn’t have to listen to Bush mangle the language any more. Just like a bandage on a hirsute arm, I wanted him to rip off his 5,000-Word Jumble as quickly as possible. Each interruption simply postponed the time when my ears would stop bleeding.

Which brings us to Obama’s speech last night to a joint session of Congress. Obviously, there is no comparison between the styles of Bush and Obama. Leaving aside whether one agrees or disagrees with what’s being said, the quality of Obama’s speech writing and the ease of his delivery stands in stark contrast to what came before. The applausorupptions, however, were even more annoying. One might assume that if one wants to quickly dispose of pain, then the converse should be true, namely that one would want to draw out pleasurable stimuli. But clearly, this isn’t the case. I would actually like to hear what the man has to say in the natural flow of a speech, rather than the chopped up sound bites that get presented. Which is why reading the speech today was so much fun.

But now to the point of this post. I have written before about how it appeared that Obama “gets science” (see Barack on Track, Changeling). As many of you know, the stimulus package increases the budget for NIH by $10 billion and NSF by $3 billion (a 34% increase overall). That clearly shows his administration’s belief in science as one of the drivers of our economic future. As he said last night.

Thanks to our recovery plan, we will double this nation’s supply of renewable energy in the next three years. We’ve also made the largest investment in basic research funding in American history, an investment that will spur not only new discoveries in energy, but breakthroughs in medicine, in science and technology.

But is was these lines in last night’s speech that really sent me out of my chair in wild applause.

So tonight I ask every American to commit to at least one year or more of higher education or career training. This can be a community college or a four-year school, vocational training or an apprenticeship. But whatever the training may be, every American will need to get more than a high school diploma. And dropping out of high school is no longer an option. It’s not just quitting on yourself; it’s quitting on your country. And this country needs and values the talents of every American.

It is clear that he is placing a lot of weight on the shoulders of our institutions of higher learning. Large portions of the NIH and NSF budgets will be going to fund research at these places (hopefully, a small amount to my lab). He is also making it clear that he understands how important science and education are to the future of this country. And by calling out parents, students, and educators as he did, he is setting a clear tone of responsibility that is more than a little welcome. It is difficult to overstate how important it is to have a president that values science, education, and responsibility.

For those of you who point out that last night’s speech lacked specifics and was overambitious, let me say this about that: Nerts! I’m sorry to use such language, but it has to be said. The venue last night wasn’t the place for specifics, so hold off until you see what the administration’s budget contains. And if there is one word I’ve learned to hate over the years, it is “overambitious.” This is often used pejoratively in critiques of grant proposals, as if it is a crime to aim high. I want my president to aim high. The worst that will happen is that he comes up a bit short, but will accomplish quite a bit on his way to these lofty goals. That, my friends, is called leadership.

So it is now obvious that I have a man crush on the president. I used to think that everyone felt the same way, but then I saw this:

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I’m not one who believes in doppelgängers. The idea that there is another person just like me somewhere else in the universe is absurd at many levels. From a scientific perspective, the amount of genetic diversity in the human population makes it nearly impossible that someone would share enough of my genetic information to be my double. Which assumes, of course, that having duplicate genomes would mean complete copying of all the phenotypes that make me, well, me. And this assumption is already known to be false, as even identical twins who share all their genetic information aren’t doppelgängers—it is easy to see any pair of monozygotic twins are not truly identical.

As for me, I think it is safe to say that there are other, less scientific reasons, to discount this possibility. Let’s be honest: Isn’t is obvious that it would be difficult for the world at large to tolerate having more than one me? I think it is safe to say that I have enough “personality” to spare, perhaps enough to obviate the need for a doppelgänger. I would argue, in fact, my personality could support a number of these critters, perhaps as many as three, a Dreiergruppegänger if you will.

So imagine my surprise when one of my wife’s colleagues bought in the label from some coconut macaroons that he had purchased. These are Jennies® macaroons, whose major claim to fame is that they are free of lactose, trans fat, sulfite, soy, wheat, gluten, dairy, and yeast (which begs the question as to what’s left). Apparently, the photo of the namesake of the company, Arnold Jennie, made him think of me. At first, I didn’t quite see the resemblance, but after showing the picture to a number of people, with each person exclaiming “Oh my god, its you!’, I am thinking that perhaps there is a little resemblance.

You be the judge:

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There were many interesting things happening a year ago today, A fellow named George Bush, who was apparently president of the United States, was urging unity for his party so that they might prevail in the upcoming November elections. How did that work out? The television writers’ striker was nearing an end, and we’re all thrilled that those ridiculous reality shows that filled the void, like”The Biggest Loser” and “The Girls Next Door,” are no longer sullying the airwaves. Kirk Radomski, the fellow who peddled steroids and other performance enhancing drugs to ballplayers in the New York area was given 5 years probation, enabling us to put that whole nasty steroid story behind us.

But of course the most noteworthy event on this day was the first post of this blog. Those of you who have been following this compendium of wit and wisdom from the beginning will no doubt remember the fine post I wrote where I gave my coveted endorsement to an obscure senator from Illinois. How did that one work out? I’m not saying that I put that skinny fellow over the top, but I urge you to look at his poll numbers before and after that date.

As I alluded to on the occasion of this blog’s 100th post, I will confess to worrying a little bit about appearing to be self absorbed and self aggrandizing. Those who know me well are aware that it is far too late for those types of concerns.

So as I think back on years worth of on and off blogging, I have to say that it has been a lot more fun that I thought it would be. I started this thing mostly as a technical challenge—I just wanted to know how the whole blogging thing worked. I also thought it would be a nice place to put up the occasional interesting link to share with friends and family. What I hope for in the next year is that I can keep up the momentum and maybe even coax a few people to read this thing.

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I read in the Globe today of the latest craze sweeping across the interweb. This is something apparently started on Facebook, which is called “25 Random Things About Me.”

Proponents contend that such life-lists are an efficient way to bring long-lost high school or college friends up to speed, and to take existing friendships to a deeper level of intimacy by conveying new aspects of their personalities or new information about their experiences. “It’s fun facts to learn about people you thought you knew a lot about already,” Carey said. “It’s your chance to kind of share your heart and what’s going on inside you.”

But not everyone agrees. There are some who worry about both receiving and getting too much information about their friends and acquaintances. Still others think that the concept is flawed from the get go.

A big part of the problem [...] is the number that defines the phenomenon. “There’s probably not 25 really interesting facts about anybody,” he said. “You could get 12 really good ones, and then you start hitting the bottom of the barrel.”

I take this as a challenge. For you, my faithful readers, I give you 25 Random Things About Me:

25. I once had a dog named Sparky for dinner. He was well behaved.

24. I have a haircut that requires very little prep time in the morning.

23. My CIA code name is “Barnaby”

22, I once wrote a fan letter to a pig.

21. I have an MBA.

20. I have forgotten more statistics than you will ever know.

18. I don’t count backwards very well.

17. I once competed in a ski race, and would have won my age group if I was an 87 year-old woman with one leg.

16. I’m a joker. I’m a smoker. I’m a midnight toker. Don’t want to hurt no one.

15. I can bench press my own weight 10 times. I only own a 5 pound weight.

14. I still think that I will begin to develop an accent from the old country when I turn 60.

13. I have seen Blazing Saddles over 20 times, and I am a lawyer. Wait, that’s not me.

12. I can make any food item into a Frittata.

11. I vomited in a cab once. Wanna see?

10. I sometimes keep Netflix movies at home for over a month.

9. I have a loathsome elbow disease.

7. I don’t count backwards very well.

6. I sometimes repeat myself.

5. I was the fifth Beatle.

4. My name is “The Other Gordon”

3. I have the hands of a sturgeon.

2. I almost beat Ken Jennings while watching Jeopardy on my couch. Okay, it was a rerun.

1. I make excellent pot holders. What color would you like?

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The network is abuzz with the new, currently free, program created by Microsoft Research called Songsmith. According the website, this software

generates musical accompaniment to match a singer’s voice. Just choose a musical style, sing into your PC’s microphone, and Songsmith will create backing music for you. Then share your songs with your friends and family, post your songs online, or create your own music videos.

This software is clearly targeted to amateurs and wannabes, and from all accounts it works pretty much as you expect, giving pedestrian, generally uninteresting accompaniment to one’s creations. Their commercial is an absolute hoot, and clearly demonstrates the “range” of the product.

But it turns out that serious musicians could use this software to to provide alternative arrangements to their classics. Well, not actually. But the geniuses on YouTube have taken the audio tracks from an impressive array of the artists and have seen what Songsmith can to them.

First up, Roxanne, by The Police.

Next we have We Will Rock You, by Queen.

And finally, a political/cultural statement.

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