“First, my client was seen smiling and riding his beloved bike away from the camera around the side of the house.”

Of course your client was smiling. Not only was a vapid smile part of usual countenance, but he was happy to know that his older brother was following to help keep him out of trouble.

“Second, you were seen in hot pursuit. Satellite imagery tracked your Dumbo-like ears (that was cruel and unnecessary – my apologies to Dumbo) from deep space. FYI, the resolution was crystal clear.”

No arguments on any count. Of course I was in hot pursuit. My idiot brother was racing away at breakneck speed and I needed to maintain as close a distance as possible so that I might help him when he inevitably did something stupid and dangerous.

“Third, you wrested the bike from my client against his will, threatening some sort of “Nature’s alarm clock” if he did not accede to your demands.”

Speculation, Jackie. Delicious speculation, I grant you, but speculation nonetheless.

“Fourth, you rode back into view of the camera and were caught smiling like the she-devil you are; there was no 9-1-1 “Mom, Dad, come quick, Stuey’s hurt” about anything that you did.”

I would suspect that satellite imagery of my enormous ears would have obstructed a definitive view of my face.

“Fifth, in addition to the abuse claim we are about to file, we are also suing you for liable/salamander/definition of character/and theft of jokery, given that it was my client who first posted the Zapruder reference on your self-indulgent blog.”

Where to begin? Apparently your client has patented the word “Zapruder,” which is, I imagine, quite a shock to those people with the surname. A “self-indulgent blog” is, of course, redundant. Much like “whiny little brother” and “anencephalic lawyer.”

First, my client was seen smiling and riding his beloved bike away from the camera around the side of the house.

Second, you were seen in hot pursuit. Satellite imagery tracked your Dumbo-like ears (that was cruel and unnecessary – my apologies to Dumbo) from deep space. FYI, the resolution was crystal clear.

Third, you wrested the bike from my client against his will, threatening some sort of “Nature’s alarm clock” if he did not accede to your demands.

Fourth, you rode back into view of the camera and were caught smiling like the she-devil you are; there was no 9-1-1 “Mom, Dad, come quick, Stuey’s hurt” about anything that you did.

Fifth, in addition to the abuse claim we are about to file, we are also suing you for liable/salamander/definition of character/and theft of jokery, given that it was my client who first posted the Zapruder reference on your self-indulgent blog.

We are willing to settle for a lifetime supply of very cheap wine, less my 1/3.

Well?

Best wishes, Jackie C.