My recent post concerning the warm memories associated with bicycles evoked less than pleasant recollections from my brother, Stuart:
Which did you enjoy more, riding your shiny new bike or beating the s*** out of your brother and stealing his?
For those that are unaware of the story, here is what my brother and I can agree on. My father shot super 8 movies with some regularity while we were growing up. In one sequence, Stu is seen riding a bike down the street with me in pursuit on foot. We both go out of frame. The next sequence starts with my riding this bike back toward the house, followed shortly thereafter by a stomping, crying little girlie man brother.
What is in debate is what happened off frame. Now we both acknowledge having no personal recollection of what transpired, so all we can do is speculate. My brother believes that the evidence supports the following scenario:
- I knocked him off the bike, stole it, and rode away.
This is certainly a parsimonious, if unimaginative, explanation. Here’s what I think happened:
- I was following Stuart, the novice bike rider, out of deep concern for his safety.
- Sure enough, he spontaneously fell off the bicycle and burst into tears.
- Thinking quickly, I grabbed the bike so I could rush back to my parents and get the help he so despearately needed in a timely manner.
So unless there was a Zapruder in the neighborhood, I say that this is just another one of those great mysteries of life that will never be solved.
Your so-called “explanation” is outrageous and preposterous.
First, my client was seen smiling and riding his beloved bike away from the camera around the side of the house.
Second, you were seen in hot pursuit. Satellite imagery tracked your Dumbo-like ears (that was cruel and unnecessary - my apologies to Dumbo) from deep space. FYI, the resolution was crystal clear.
Third, you wrested the bike from my client against his will, threatening some sort of “Nature’s alarm clock” if he did not accede to your demands.
Fourth, you rode back into view of the camera and were caught smiling like the she-devil you are; there was no 9-1-1 “Mom, Dad, come quick, Stuey’s hurt” about anything that you did.
Fifth, in addition to the abuse claim we are about to file, we are also suing you for liable/salamander/definition of character/and theft of jokery, given that it was my client who first posted the Zapruder reference on your self-indulgent blog.
We are willing to settle for a lifetime supply of very cheap wine, less my 1/3.
Well?
Best wishes, Jackie C.
Left by Jackie Childs on May 7th, 2008
Let’s deal with each of these in turn:
“First, my client was seen smiling and riding his beloved bike away from the camera around the side of the house.”
Of course your client was smiling. Not only was a vapid smile part of usual countenance, but he was happy to know that his older brother was following to help keep him out of trouble.
“Second, you were seen in hot pursuit. Satellite imagery tracked your Dumbo-like ears (that was cruel and unnecessary - my apologies to Dumbo) from deep space. FYI, the resolution was crystal clear.”
No arguments on any count. Of course I was in hot pursuit. My idiot brother was racing away at breakneck speed and I needed to maintain as close a distance as possible so that I might help him when he inevitably did something stupid and dangerous.
“Third, you wrested the bike from my client against his will, threatening some sort of “Nature’s alarm clock” if he did not accede to your demands.”
Speculation, Jackie. Delicious speculation, I grant you, but speculation nonetheless.
“Fourth, you rode back into view of the camera and were caught smiling like the she-devil you are; there was no 9-1-1 “Mom, Dad, come quick, Stuey’s hurt” about anything that you did.”
I would suspect that satellite imagery of my enormous ears would have obstructed a definitive view of my face.
“Fifth, in addition to the abuse claim we are about to file, we are also suing you for liable/salamander/definition of character/and theft of jokery, given that it was my client who first posted the Zapruder reference on your self-indulgent blog.”
Where to begin? Apparently your client has patented the word “Zapruder,” which is, I imagine, quite a shock to those people with the surname. A “self-indulgent blog” is, of course, redundant. Much like “whiny little brother” and “anencephalic lawyer.”
Left by Glenn on May 8th, 2008