Great piece in The Onion entitled “Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building“. Here’s the beginning:
OWA CITY, IA—University of Iowa neuroscientists studying spatial learning and the effects of stress on memory announced Tuesday that a little son-of-a-bitch mouse ruined an experiment on cognitive performance by effortlessly navigating a maze that researchers spent nearly a year designing and constructing.
The test subject, a common house mouse, briskly traversed the complicated wooden maze in under 30 seconds or, according to the study’s final report, roughly 1/8,789,258 as long as it took the lab to secure funding for the experiment. According to researchers administrating the standard Y-maze test, the fucking bastard never even broke his stride during the first trial, always selecting the correct route while consistently avoiding blind dead-end alleys.
“We were unable to observe any statistically significant behavioral changes in the subject, largely due to the fact that he was in such a goddamn hurry to finish the maze,” said Dr. Richard Barret, who was forced to estimate the mouse’s various reaction times after one of his assistants smashed the lab’s stopwatch in anger. “Further analysis will be required to garner any useful knowledge regarding this particular mouse’s neurological processes, his reflex response to stimuli, and how in the hell that stupid jerk reached the goal without screwing up once.”
When I was doing behavioral work, I was praying for my guys to be that smart. That helps explains why I don’t do behavioral work anymore.